I wake up each morning next to the same man I married almost four years ago. I can't imagine having anyone else at my side. He helps me work on projects around the house, encourages me to chase my dreams, offers to buy me Slurpees and notebooks, holds my hand when I'm nervous, and puts up with those little quirks that define who I am and make other people want to put me in a box and mail me to a galaxy far, far away. He also drives me crazy from time to time because we can't see eye to eye on everything. For instance, he refuses to eat his vegetables and a variety of other foods, so we often eat the same five basic meals over and over. Even though I know I drive him crazy as well, we don't intend to call it quits. My own experience with remaining committed to making it work and working through the rough times pumps the blood through the heart of this rant.
I keep seeing relationships fall apart. I understand that not all relationships will work. Sometimes, two people find that they really do have irreconcilable differences. I even understand how some people can draw apart after tragedy, such as the loss of a child, befalls them. In other instances, one or both partners are too different from the facade they put on during courtship. Many people work through these things, but when they can't, they part ways. Logically, I understand this. Walking away from something that absolutely will not work makes perfect sense. So my rant centers around...
Most people on their wedding day declare that they have committed to be with one person "until death (or the courts) should us part." If things go sour, you try to fix them. If that seems like too much work, you should end that relationship before you enter another one. I see too many shows and movies that glorify cheating on your spouse. Most of the time, this happens after the spouse has proven to be an unconscionable heel, but it doesn't make the actions of the cheating spouse right. Two negatives make a positive in multiplication, but that rule doesn't carry into interpersonal relationships.
Why?
First of all, when you cheat on someone, you hurt that person. Even if you think that they don't care, their feelings can still be hurt.
Second, you hurt yourself. When you have a new significant other within a short period of time after your divorce, people tend to guess that the "new" relationship started before the other one officially ended. Even if your former spouse started as a handsome prince and somehow became the ogre who eats goats who try to cross his rickety bridge, he still has some claim to your loyalty until you both agree it isn't going to work. Let them know. Let them go. Then move on to the next show.
Third, people who cheat once are likely to cheat again. How can you promise someone new that you will love them completely when you didn't keep the promise the first time...or the second...or the third.
Fourth, if someone chases or dates you when you are already in a relationship, you can't expect them to remain as interested when the illicit thrill begins to fade away. (On a side note, if they are chasing you and telling you how much they respect marriage and family, while you are married, you might want to give your logic circuits a quality check if you believe them.)
Fifth, you damage relationships that were developed as a result of your marriage to the spouse you cheated on. Mutual friends will feel forced to pick sides. Family members will usually side with the one who shares their DNA. No matter how much you want some things to remain the same, these relationships will be altered forever.
That was very negative, so let's take a little look at...
THE FLIP SIDE
In my limited experience with marriage, which I expect to last not only throughout the rest of my life but through all eternity, I have found the following benefits to being loyal to one person.
First, I have someone to build a life with. When tough decisions come my way, I don't have to make them alone.
Second, when I run out of steam on a project, I have someone to help me finish that last tedious step of a project. Just recently, my husband and I took turns working on a room that needed remodeled. We each played to our skills and met in the middle for the harder stuff.
Third, I have someone to listen to me when I rant about things that drive me crazy. He may not always agree, but he listens before he offers his own input on my vexations.
Fourth, I know that when I am sad and crying, I have someone to just hold me tight and let me listen to his heart beat until I can explain the reason for my tears...but if I don't want to talk, he doesn't press me.
Fifth, a year ago, we helped his grandparents celebrate sixty years of marriage. It was wonderful to see so many people who existed (or had their lives enhanced) by a couple who has stuck by each other through sixty years of ups and downs.
I could go on and on, but I think it all boils down to this:
A love worth chasing in the first place is worth fighting for even when it is just yourself you are fighting against. Make sure you keep the spark going, both of you. No one person can keep a relationship vibrant alone. (That could lead to a long lecture on friendship...)
