Send in the Clowns

So I realized I hadn't posted in a while and a Buzz Poets song reminded me how amusing this story from the old days was. Enjoy!

Looking down at the newspaper, I felt my smile melt. William had returned from his business trip and something was wrong. I read the ad again to make sure I had the right instructions:

Send in the clowns.

555-7171

I showered quickly and threw on the costume I kept for emergencies such as this. Then I dashed to my car, hoping that I would reach the plaza before one o’clock, which would be the time the cops showed up to witness the exchange. With only a couple near misses and lots of horns blaring in my wake, I made it with ten minutes and one hour to spare. That should be plenty of time before the cops began setting up.

I slipped my tiny car into a space, putting it in park reflexively before hopping out of my car. I listened happily to the slapping sound of my oversized shoes on the pavement as I made my way to the revolving door. I brushed my hands down my puffy pants, trying to flatten them out a little as I squeezed into the triangle of glass and pushed forward.

Almost as soon as I came out the other side, I felt something pulling at my pants. Afraid my legs and more were about to be revealed to the innocent public, I looked back in horror. The door was not, however, pulling my pants leg. Looking to my side, I saw that the tugging was the result of a little red-headed boy’s insistent desire for my attention. As I looked at him, he dropped his hand to the handle on a green backpack which he had laid on the floor.

“Some man asked me to give this to you, Bobo,” he said with a reassuring smile.

I returned his smile, taking the bag from him without hesitation. Bobo was William’s code name for me. I handed the little boy a dollar as I slung the bag casually over my shoulder. He walked away without a glance back in my direction. I was just as nonchalant as I slapped my way to the ladies’ room. I resisted the urge to look around as I pushed open the door.

Once inside the room, I looked around. I didn’t see any feet under the stalls, so I slipped into one of the stalls. I quickly switched props that included handkerchiefs knotted together, flowers, oversized coins, and other amusing tricks of the trade out of pockets inside my voluminous pants. This left plenty of room for the sealed bags that were nestled inside the backpack. I quickly moved my props into the backpack and placed the baggies into the harder to access pockets of my pants. I zipped the bag and stepped out into the restroom. The room was still empty. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, took a deep breath, and stepped out into the foyer.

The action had begun. The foyer of this particular building was never this active. People walked around trying to look casual, but even the best actor wouldn’t make it believable. It doesn’t help that as soon as I step into view, all eyes turn to me. A few looked away quickly. Those were the people who belong here. The others were looking for me. They were also looking at me. These two facts came together to cause my heartbeat to increase. Despite this, I walked casually toward the door.

“Hey, clown, hold up,” the one man in uniform called out to me.

I stopped a little too abruptly and almost fell on face. I managed to recover with the help of my shoes. When I was sure my potential to cause slapstick humor had passed, I turned to him with a smile.

“Hello, Officer, how can I help you?” I said in my best clown voice.

The infectious smile spread from my face to his, “I just need to see what’s in your bag.”

“Do you? Hoping clown secrets will help cheer up the job?”

“Not exactly. Just open the bag.”

“I’ll do you one better, I’ll let you open it,” I handed the bag to him.

He looked at me suspiciously as he held the heavy bag in one hand. With the other, he opened the bag. The contents spilled out on the floor. Some landed with a clatter. Others, like the feathers and scarves, floated to the floor slowly. In fact, before they hit the floor, the bouncy balls had already created their expected chaos. Forgetting the need to be discreet, more than half the people I pinpointed as police instantly followed their need to do good by trying to catch the balls as they skitter about.

I calmly produced a butterfly net from nowhere and snagged the ones nearest me with ease, “Really can’t let these ones go. I will need them for the birthday party.”

“Where’d that net come from?” The policeman asks this as he grabbed me roughly.

He began patting me down. After ten minutes of pulling things out of my pockets, he finally gave up. I am pretty sure it was the dove that flew away after releasing a bird bomb on his hair that convinced him I was just what I appeared to be.

“Escort her out and make sure she has all her toys. I have to go clean this off,” he told a couple of the plainclothes officers.

He paused and turned back to me, “Thank you for your cooperation.”

“Of course, Officer,” my smile was more sincere than they could have imagined.

I shoved the last few bouncy balls into the bag and zipped it closed. The police officers were kind enough to allow me to put the backpack on my back before they each grabbed and elbow and escorted me out into the parking lot. I caught a glimpse of them looking at my car curiously before they nodded at each other, shrugged their shoulders and turned to go. I listened carefully as they walked away to see what they had to say. I was not disappointed. In fact, I found myself fighting back a self-satisfied smile.

“We should have known it wasn’t her.”

“Yeah. The captain should have known it wouldn’t be literal.”

“And whoever was supposed to show up probably left by now.”

“Well, we just have to wait until he decides that.”

Their voices faded away, so I opened the door and got into the car. I finally allowed myself to smile as I pulled out of view. I was still smiling when I got back to my house. William would be over in a few days to claim the temporary contents of my baggy clown pants. Until then, I’d just have to remember to wear my backup clown costume whenever parents wanted to send in the clowns.