Small moments in life can bring you full circle to thoughts and feelings that you believed you left behind. A while ago a friend lost her mother, and I wished I could find words from my own loss to comfort her. At the same time, I recognize that no combination of words, even the most eloquent or heartfelt, could bring the peace I wish to give. Many miles stretch between this friend and I, so I couldn't offer her a hug, but I hope I will be inspired to bring a bit of light into her life in some way.
To fuel my thoughts on longing for those we have lost, a former coworker of my husband passed away around the same time. Originally, my husband intended to go alone since packing a tiny baby and her accoutrements into the car can be an extreme undertaking, but somehow everything worked in our favor. I had time to bundle her up and select an appropriately somber outfit before he arrived from work. His smile lit up the room as he came inside to claim his ladies, affirming that I made the right decision.
Despite the rainy night, loved ones poured in for the viewing. As we walked inside, a gentleman greeted us with the right blend of friendliness and sympathy. Having never met the deceased, I immediately felt out of place. Though I felt for those there to mourn, my sorrow was for them and not my own loss. As my eyes fell upon the bereaved sons, friends and family circled around to offer comfort. My desire to be there for my friend hundreds of miles away resurfaced.
As my husband offered condolences, my tiny tot began to fuss. I camped out on one of the couches in the foyer to feed her. As I looked into my daughter's face and she smiled at me, I remembered that life does go on. I felt a tightness in my chest as tears threatened to spill down my cheeks as I watched people coming in from gloomy rain to the brightly lit yet somber interior. Many of them stopped to smile at the baby and comment on her beauty and sweetness before leaving me to reflect on the many stages of grief.
We all grieve in our own way. Thinking back on the many losses I have experienced, I recall a variety of reactions. I have found myself staring blankly at a television that hasn't been turned on or a live screen displaying a children's show that spouts joy and happiness. I have stood stoically stood by while others cried and then awoke bathed in my own tears. I have even buried my sadness in the art of being busy, caring for those around me when they found themselves too stunned or lost to think about something as basic as feeding themselves. As every grief is different, every attempt to cope must also be unique.
While we mourn, we may push away those who love us, but we must remember that they mourn with us with us. Even if they don't technically share the loss, our sadness seeps into the lives of those around us. My husband watched me with sad, worried eyes for a long time after my mother passed away. In fact, I still see him gauging whether or not I need the comfort of his arms around me when I mention her.
While time gives us the ability to accept our loss (or at least perfect the appearance of moving on), I don't think we ever completely get over events that change our life so greatly. I still mourn pets who died or disappeared in the 80s and 90s. I miss my mother every time my daughter reaches a milestone that I want to share with her. I long to compare notes about experiences raising a little girl. I want to give her a hug and tell her something nonsensical that happened. I know I am not alone in such feelings.
So what advice or solace can I hope to offer to my friend and any one who mourns the loss of a loved one?
*Cherish your memories. Any moment that brought you close to the one you loved, keeps you close to them.
*Share your memories. Write them down. Tell them to you friends. Let your kids know how your life was shaped by people they may barely remember or never have met.
*Let your loved ones comfort you. Even if their words are awkward, remember that they mean well. Their love doesn't replace the love you lost, but it brings its own sweetness to your life.
*Remember that you will see them again. I believe that we will see those we love again. I still mourn the time I am missing with them, but I look forward to seeing my loved ones again.
I hope my words bring comfort. I hope they remind you that you are not alone. Even if I can't wrap you in a warm embrace or wipe away your tears, I wish I could.
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