To Know Or Not to Know [RANTINGS]

The other night, sleep would not come. For some reason, my brain got a seed of worry caught in its folds and decided to nurture it. The worry wasn't an important one. An emotional connection with the world around me seems to be fraying and ready to break, but I gather I have more than my fair share of threads breaking. So why do I care about each individual friendship? Why do I want to know? What do I want to know?

I guess I want to know that my friends value me as I value them. And if they don't? Then I want to set them free of my attempts to connect. Sometimes, I feel like people answer my questions or invitations in riddles or delay answering to force me to cut ties. But the soft heart inside of me resists turning to stone and insists on giving the benefit of the doubt. Thus I end up back in the holding pattern, wondering if I am a friend or an annoyance. Wanting to know if this friendship has run its course.

And why do I question such things? I have many friends who share my enthusiasm for keeping connections. Such friends:

1. Call out of the blue to chat, but aren't offended if I can't talk long.
2. Respond enthusiastically to invitations I offer,working with me to mesh our schedules when I am miraculously able to drive hundreds of miles to see their beloved faces in person. (I do try to give them as much notice as possible at least a week or two.)
3. Share their talents with me (cutting my hair, knitting me cute hats) and don't charge me but accept payment anyway because they know I want them to value their talents as much as I do.
4. Forgive me for being weird and roll with it or ask for clarification if needed.
5. Set realistic expectations of our friendship. Allowing me to spend time with other friends or alone without feeling like our friendship no longer has value.
6. Are honest with me. Please be honest with me, not cruel: HONEST. Honesty makes life

Being that it is the last day of 2016 and our minds have turned toward resolutions and being our best selves, how many of us will try to be better friends in 2017.