I caught snippets of a friend’s social media feed last night and had to go back and read it again. Two of my smart, beautiful, creative, and talented friends were comparing notes on their experience in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They experienced or heard about events that made them uncomfortable with attending church. Their comments made my heart burn within me because I don’t ever want anyone to feel like they aren’t loved or welcome by Heavenly Father. And I don’t want anyone to turn their back on God because someone else made bad choices. So many thoughts have entered my head in the intervening hours that I am afraid I will not be able to express them properly, but I want to try.
First, President Russell M. Nelson revealed a new proclamation in April of 202. The first paragraph encapsulates so many of my feelings that I want to share it:
“We solemnly proclaim that God loves His children in every nation of the world. God the Father has given us the divine birth, the incomparable life, and the infinite atoning sacrifice of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. By the power of the Father, Jesus rose again and gained the victory over death. He is our Savior, our Exemplar, and our Redeemer.”
If you ever felt unloved at church, it was not Heavenly Father’s intention. I had a friend tell me, many many times, that the church is not the people. I needed to be reassured multiple times because humans are not perfect. We fall short. We have to keep trying and striving to be better.
God, however, is perfect and his love for us is perfect. He wants all of his children to be happy. He wants all of us to know we can turn to him. He may not always respond in big miraculous ways, but he will answer our sincere prayers, often through the Holy Spirit whispering to our hearts or someone else stepping forward to fill our need.
Second, a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland keeps coming into my mind. One of the points he makes is that:
“My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.” We should avoid that latter excessive expectation of ourselves and of others and, I might add, of those who are called to serve in the Church—which for Latter-day Saints means everyone, for we are all called to serve somewhere.”
Yes, we are asked to serve. Yes, sometimes what we are asked to do can be hard. But it is worth it. If we truly feel uncomfortable, Heavenly Father won’t judge you for walking away. He will give you other chances to grow and progress as you are ready. Keep in mind, that sometimes we don’t have as much faith in our ability as he does.
Third, one of the concerns that my friends mentioned was abuse and sexual assault within the church. Once more, I repeat that anyone choosing to use the church to manipulate someone into such activities is not acting in accordance with the wishes of the church. Heavenly Father wants us to help each other, not hurt each other.
I remember a red-faced missionary who was about the same age as me asking me about the law of chastity to make sure I was really ready to be baptized. Similar questions get asked by bishop’s and stake presidents before making other important covenants in the church. I can see how the questions could be misconstrued, but I have never had a church leader make me feel like they were trying to take advantage of me.
The men who actually made me feel uncomfortable at church were never in positions of power. One pushed my up against a wall of the chapel in a very suggestive way and then laughed when I fought him off of me. Another told me my clothes would look better crumpled on his floor and then laughingly claimed it was a joke (if I wasn’t interested). I even had a few guys very pointedly tell me they only joined the church because they were promised a wife. As far as I know, they have all disassociated from the church with some excuse for how the church made them feel “less than”.
As I was reading through this week’s “Come Follow Me” lesson, it referred me to a talk by David A. Bednar that I think I need to read more often because I sadly find myself easily offended. He reminded us:
“When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
And:
“Understanding that the Church is a learning laboratory helps us to prepare for an inevitable reality. In some way and at some time, someone in this Church will do or say something that could be considered offensive. Such an event will surely happen to each and every one of us—and it certainly will occur more than once. Though people may not intend to injure or offend us, they nonetheless can be inconsiderate and tactless.
"You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.”
In short, I understand that people are imperfect, whether they choose to go to a certain church or not, but I testify that I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father loves us. I know that if we listen for the Holy Spirit, it can comfort us, warn us, and guide us. Life is hard, so don’t make it worse by cutting out your biggest fan, your Heavenly Father. Let Him help you. Let Him guide you, and don’t let anyone keep you from living and believing.
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I am including links to articles I referenced in case you want to study them more deeply. I also feel I should share a post that came to my attention about a new book. I haven’t read the book yet, but I feel like it might give perspective to someone who is struggling.
Come Follow Me: Introduction From General Conference
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