Should I Tell You? [RANT]

I blame the unseasonably warm weather for my mind's jaunts down memory lane. I find myself worrying and wondering about people who haven't spoken to me in years. Can I call them friends? Do I have the right to worry and hope for them? If they happen upon this page and realize, "She's talking to me," will they quickly follow it with, "But why?" I never know. The past cannot be changed, but perhaps the future can be rewritten by sending out some positive energy to loves past and present.

To My Shy Friend From Years Ago

I thought of you today. You were one of the quiet ones that shuddered when they made fun of you and cried where they could see you. I wanted to tell you not to let them see you cry, but I was afraid you'd think I was joining in on their antics. When you realized I was on your side, you clung to me. That made me uncomfortable. I hope I never added to your sadness by not being as strong of a life rope as  you wanted. I hope they didn't break you. I hope you realized your worth despite the blindness of others. I hope life is treating you well and you've surrounded yourself with people who get you and support you. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than I think you could ever know.

To One of the Many Who Lied to Me

I know our whole friendship hinged on lies. You started with lies about your name and built on them. I think I knew. I kept asking questions that you couldn't answer satisfactorily. Something told me not to point out the pieces that didn't fit into the jigsaw puzzle. Somehow you enter my mind from time to time. I hope you stopped running from yourself and your past. The one truth I know of you is your love for a certain someone that I never met. I hope you returned to them and made things right. I hope you're building a future built on what is real and true.

To One Who Lied to Oneself

Not sure why I keep thinking of you. Most people observing from outside our friendship would think us more enemies than friends, but I care about you, so I worry. I have two versions of you in my mind because you've presented two faces to the world. I sometimes wonder how you know who you are when those two halves are so different. Maybe that is why I worry when I see or read a similar story playing out on screen or page. I hope you are well. I hope you didn't push away people who love you because you feel they don't really know you. People only know what you show them and tell them, and the best friends tend to overlook lies whether those lies stem from outright misleading information or simple omission of important details.

To My Larry (and Eddy)

I've been watching "Leave It to Beaver" because I continue to be fascinated by simpler times. I've noticed that the Beaver and Wally aren't the troubled, disobedient kids I once thought they were from quick descriptions of their antics. In most cases, their troubles come from their inability to stand up to encouragement to misbehave from their dear friends. We all have friends who encourage us to do or not do tasks against our better judgement. If your friends don't respect your opinions or worries, it might be wise not to let them force theirs on you. Make good choices and be kind to your friends.

So cryptic are the thoughts in my head. Hopefully, your thoughts do not tangle and swirl like this.

Review, Renew, Reveal, and Redo [PREACHY]

We step into 2017 and hope to hit a reset button or two in our lives. We look back at 2016 with a touch of sadness for goals left unaccomplished and opportunities missed. If we don't set any resolution besides living our best life, do we set ourselves up for a more satisfying inventory in 2017?

As I ponder my resolutions, past and present, I realize they could be summed up in one simple goal:
Leave the world and myself in a better state than that in which they were found. Isn't that what we want to do when we set goals to lose weight, eat better, pick up new skills, or finish a marathon?

Instead of setting new goals each year, shouldn't we wake up each day and work toward that goal? If we open our eyes and commit to leaving the world better even if only in the most microscopic way, I believe we will ultimately accomplish that resolution. Whether we choose to bring beauty through art, music, or words or we keep our bodies strong and healthy so they are ready if we get the opportunity to serve others, our goals can benefit the world as a whole.

My church encouraged us to fill the world with joy over the holidays by taking time to serve those around us. The campaign lasted for twenty-five days, but the idea should not be limited to only the holidays or only a small portion of the year. So how can we serve in little ways that change the world?

A few of my suggestions:

-Clean up after yourself. Picking up Cheerios that your child drops on the floor at church or making sure your paper towel makes it trash can make a surprising difference to the person you assume will be cleaning up after you.
-Take the time to compliment someone.
-Be more patient with other drivers or shoppers. They may be slowing down because they can't find the street or to avoid hitting an animal you can't see. Don't assume the worst.

Feel free to add your own suggestions. After all, blogs have an option for comments for some reason.

To Know Or Not to Know [RANTINGS]

The other night, sleep would not come. For some reason, my brain got a seed of worry caught in its folds and decided to nurture it. The worry wasn't an important one. An emotional connection with the world around me seems to be fraying and ready to break, but I gather I have more than my fair share of threads breaking. So why do I care about each individual friendship? Why do I want to know? What do I want to know?

I guess I want to know that my friends value me as I value them. And if they don't? Then I want to set them free of my attempts to connect. Sometimes, I feel like people answer my questions or invitations in riddles or delay answering to force me to cut ties. But the soft heart inside of me resists turning to stone and insists on giving the benefit of the doubt. Thus I end up back in the holding pattern, wondering if I am a friend or an annoyance. Wanting to know if this friendship has run its course.

And why do I question such things? I have many friends who share my enthusiasm for keeping connections. Such friends:

1. Call out of the blue to chat, but aren't offended if I can't talk long.
2. Respond enthusiastically to invitations I offer,working with me to mesh our schedules when I am miraculously able to drive hundreds of miles to see their beloved faces in person. (I do try to give them as much notice as possible at least a week or two.)
3. Share their talents with me (cutting my hair, knitting me cute hats) and don't charge me but accept payment anyway because they know I want them to value their talents as much as I do.
4. Forgive me for being weird and roll with it or ask for clarification if needed.
5. Set realistic expectations of our friendship. Allowing me to spend time with other friends or alone without feeling like our friendship no longer has value.
6. Are honest with me. Please be honest with me, not cruel: HONEST. Honesty makes life

Being that it is the last day of 2016 and our minds have turned toward resolutions and being our best selves, how many of us will try to be better friends in 2017.

Looking At the Little Things [RANT]

Like many mothers at this time of year, I am single-handedly running a branch office of Santa's workshop. I bake. I clean. I choose. I package. I label. I wrap. I sew. I paint. I write. I lick. I seal. I clean some more. I ponder. I worry. I buy. I wrap. I bake some more. The list of items I must do to be the best festive elf I can be seems to grow longer not shorter as I work through what needs to be done. Then someone adds one more thing or one more concern to my list.

Then a little bit of green creeps into the holiday. Instead of growing three sizes, my heart shrinks to a third its normal size. My head begins to throb as I repeat the same basic requests and get ignored. And I have to turn my back on the irritant and let it go. I have to refocus on the little things, those things that are truly important but often get overlooked with all the glitter, tinsel, and twinkling lights that punctuate the season. I have to focus on the real reasons I love the holidays and return to my kitchen over and over again in an attempt to share the heart of the season with those around me.

Important basics such as:

1. The love of a Heavenly Father who sent His Son to remind us how greatly we are loved.
2. An earthly family that shared the talent of the kitchen arts with me.
3. The smile on my husband's face as he taste-tests one of the first cookies out of the oven and finds it perfect.
4. My daughter's excitement as she meets a new friend who has come to be with her a result of the holiday.
5. My husband under the mistletoe. (Need I say more about that?)
6. An excuse to craft candy that I love and share it with others so I can still squeeze out of the front door of my house.
7. The anticipation of the beautiful cleanliness of new fallen snow.
8. Peppermint, ginger, cinnamon, and orange aromas on the air.
9. The rustic touch of live pine sprigs decorating the table at the Ward Christmas party.
10. The sweet taste of the little baby oranges that also graced the table of the party.
11. Friends smiling when you picked or made the perfect gift and they know it came from your heart not your wallet.
12. Getting a gift that reminds you how well your friend knows you even though most people would never understand.
13. Christmas hymns floating on the air.
14. The soft voice that reminds you to smile and speak kindly to a stranger who is probably as overwhelmed by holiday obligations as you are.
15. The grateful smile you receive for obeying that voice.

Before I saw the announcement about the light the world initiative, I decided to pass out cookies to my ward family. I scrolled through the list for names and made labels back in October so that I would have an idea how many cookies, and recipes, I might need to tackle this project. I believe my desire to spread Christmas cheer succeeded. I received lots of startled smiles and got to add some delicious Christmas treats to my holiday recipe book, so everybody wins.

I hope your holidays have been filled with love and sweet surprises. I hope they remind you how important it is to stay close to family, whether biological or by association. I hope your heart grows three sizes and your pants size remains the same. Have a fabulous holiday and as you ponder your goals for 2017, remember to include the most important things, no matter how small they may seem.

Family Surprise [FICTION]

My parents whisper and laugh when we watch “Teen Wolf”. They insist we watch it every time the weather turns cold and the air overflows with pumpkin spice. Then they laugh at their private jokes while I wonder how many people fell in love with Michael J. Fox while watching that movie. I can tell by the footage that the movie came out well before I was born, so I don’t share my parents’ enthusiasm. Nothing I have said has freed me from our family tradition. This year, I planned to change that.

I floated through a cloud of popcorn butter on my way to the door. I placed my hand on the knob. I paused. I didn’t want to pause. Something made me. I needed to take one glance over my shoulder. I took that glance. My resolve faltered.

My parents watched me with large round eyes. Larger and rounder than normal. My hand fell from the knob.

“Come on, Cyrene, it’s time to watch…”

“Please no.” My mouth dried up.

My mother and father exchanged the look. My feet carried me toward them without the consent of my mind. My mother reached out to gently grasp my shoulders, leaning me toward her until I imagined I understood the tower of Pisa.

“You don’t want to watch our movie?” She asked.

“I don’t want to watch your movie.” I whispered.

“Then I think it is time to tell you why we make you watch it.”

“What?”

“Sit down, daughter.” My father motioned to the couch.

As my mother released my shoulders, I took tentative steps to take my seat. My parents sat on either side of me. Each placed a hand reassuringly on my shoulder.

“You tell her,” my father whispered over my head.

I turn to my mother who smiled at me. Is it possible her mouth grew smaller than I remembered with thinner lips?

“Mom?” My own lips trembled.

“You’re old enough to know that we’re not like other people.”

I looked toward the muted television where Michael J. Fox was talking avidly with his father.

“We’re werewolves?” My eyes widened so much they could swallow the moon.

“No.” My mother giggled.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” My father added gruffly.

“I don’t understand.”

“We know, honey, but we have to tell you because you will feel different from the other children soon. We made you watch this movie, so you’d understand that it is fine to be different.”

“It’s fun to be different.” My mother added.

I nodded at this. “I know. I had to take health class.”

“Not in that way.” My mother looked down at her hand. “We grow into adulthood differently where we are from.”

My mouth dropped open. I couldn’t find the words to ask the questions flooding my mind, so I closed it slowly.

“We’re not from earth, dear. We came here when our planet died and you need to know a few things to make sure you are a good guest.”   

My mouth dropped open. It stayed that way. My parents smiled at me, so I raised my hand to gently touch my lower mandible. As I pushed upward on it, my mouth closed but my lips stretched to drape across the back of my hand.

“You have to be careful of your emotions now that you are growing up. They mess up our approximation of the human form.”

I nodded my head as if I understood. My mom stepped forward and gently pushed my lips back into my face.

“What else do I need to know?”

“Don’t kiss any humans.”

“Really?” I asked, hoping this was my father’s attempt at humor.

My mother nodded her head in support of his statement. “It doesn’t end well for them.”

With my hopes of the romance I saw in movies shattered, I foolishly followed up. “Anything else?”

“Don’t tell anyone.” My father said.

“And you’re going to be sick for a couple of days every three months.” Seeing my face fall further, my mother quickly added. “You won’t really be sick, dear. It’s just that humans can’t handle the pheromones we release when…” She started to blush and her face turned lavender.

My father concentrated on a point outside the window. When he finally turned toward me, foamy green clouded his normally brown eyes. “I told your mother I didn’t want to be here for this part of the conversation.”

A good start? Shall I continue? Without assurances that you read and loved this, I shall move on to another project, so pay for your supper and give me some feedback...

"The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and Pumpkin Cake for One [REVIEW] [RECIPE]

I've actually read "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" a couple of times, just not recently. In fact, I lost the book when I was reading the novel for a class in college and the only copy I could find in the library was in French. Luckily, it was not what I think of as the "this will kill that" chapter. (Perhaps not so lucky, it's been over a decade and that chapter haunts me.)

If you've watched Disney's version of this classic, go ahead and pick up the book. Reading it will be a completely different experience. Many of the character names remain the same but aspects of the characters got changed in translation to a child-friendly forum. They named their gargoyles Victor, Hugo, and Laverne in honor of the author of the original and Shirley's roommate. More importantly, they kept Hugo's true main character at the heart of the story. The original French title is "Notre Dame de Paris".

Anything else I tell you would be spoilers, darling, so feel free to pick up your own copy and find out why this story popped into my head so close to Halloween.

PUMPKIN CAKE FOR ONE

I decided to make my own mug cake. I tried a couple different ideas, and I think this version was the tastiest one I made. Some people may prefer more sugar or more pumpkin pie spice, so feel free to add more if needed. I wanted to let the pumpkin flavor be on center stage not sweetness or spice. Somehow this recipe became vegan. I tried for gluten free but that version resembled thick pudding.

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1/2 - 1 tablespoon sugar
2 or 3 drops vanilla extract
2 tablespoons canned pumpkin
1/8 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
3 tablespoons self-rising flour (splurge for the pre-mixed bag from the store and save time)
1 tablespoon oat flour
2 tablespoons chocolate or butterscotch chips

Mix together the moist ingredients and spice. Add flours and combine. Fold in chocolate and/or butterscotch chips. Heat in microwave for 45 to 60 seconds.
Note: You can ice this cake with a bit of icing or ice cream syrup. I thought it was tasty without adding any garnish.

"Ensign" Magazine and Pumpkin Walnut Sticky Rolls [REVIEW] [RECIPE]

Since I didn't plan ahead for this cookie bookie month, I didn't set aside enough time to read a novel a week. Aside from the extensive roles of a wife and mother (nurse, laundress, chef, maid, butler, chauffeur, etc.), I have an impressive backlog of crafts (some of which would love to be gifts for your friends and family). I hope you will forgive me for not introducing you to a half dozen new and exciting masterpieces this month. I shall try to make up for it with my recipes.

This week's cheat takes the form of a magazine. I've been trying to catch up on the "Ensign", which is distributed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As you my note from the picture, I am still reading my way through the September issue. A couple of my favorite articles reminded me of the importance of prayer. Even when life is at its darkest, we always have somewhere to turn. And sometimes the few minutes we take to pray help us reflect on how lucky we actually are.

With my hefty "to do" list, I composed a somewhat simpler sweet roll recipe that incorporates the flavor of the season: pumpkin spice. The absence of yeast in this recipe takes away some of the waiting and makes it a good treat for loved ones who are allergic to yeast. (I recently learned one of my relatives suffers from such a sensitivity, so I need to remember this recipe next time I get to cook for her.)

PUMPKIN WALNUT STICKY ROLLS

PUMPKIN DOUGH:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup butter, chilled and cut into pieces
1/4 cup cream cheese, chilled and cut into pieces
1/3 cup pumpkin puree
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup milk

FILLING:
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons butter, melted

CARAMEL TOPPING:
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped walnuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Make the pumpkin dough. Mix together flour, sugar, baking powder, pumpkin pie spice, and salt.
3. Blend butter and cream cheese into flour mixture using a pastry blender or fork until it resembles coarse sand.
4. Stir in pumpkin puree, lemon juice, and milk until dough comes together.
5. Pour out onto lightly floured surface. Knead until uniform in color and consistency.
6. Roll out dough until about 1/4 inch thick. Fold in third like a letter and roll out again. Turn 90 degrees. Repeat a couple more times. (You can probably skip this step. I found it soothing and think it makes fluffier rolls.)
7. Wrap dough in plastic wrap and place in fridge while you continue to the next steps.
8. Make the filling. Mix together walnuts, sugar, and cinnamon. Set aside. Set butter aside until a later step.
9. Make the caramel topping. Melt butter and brown sugar in small saucepan until the mixture begins to boil, stirring constantly.
10. Remove from heat. Add corn syrup and vanilla.
11. Grease a 9 X 13 pan. Pour caramel mixture into pan. Sprinkle walnuts over the caramel.
12. Assemble the rolls. Remove pumpkin dough from refrigerator. Roll out until about 12 inches by 10 inches.
13. Spread melted butter over the dough.
14. Sprinkle filling evenly over the buttery dough.
15. Roll the dough over itself until the filling is wrapped inside.
16. Cut the rolls into one inch thick rounds (should make 12 rolls).
17. Place rolls over walnut and caramel mixture. (I pushed down my rolls a little into the caramel nut mixture.)
18. Bake for 20-25 minutes.
19. Allow to cool and scoop out a roll and some caramel topping to enjoy. (I suggest an ice cream topper.)

Please comment fall flavor ideas below if you want to inspire my next recipe post. Also, I can clarify if any of the steps above doesn't make sense. Thanks for reading.