This Is Why I Care [RANT]

Some people may have read my last post and are now waiting for my breakdown and the reign of terror. But bad experiences, terrible decisions, and the cruelty of others aren’t all life taught me.

I don’t remember my grandmother very well since she passed away the year I turned four. Yet I have always feel loved when I think of her. My mother assured me that though my grandmother’s cancer had spread to her bones, she refused to miss a moment with me. She relayed that even the intense pain of trying to hold me wasn’t a deterrent. My grandmother wouldn’t let my mother take me from her, even when she heard a snap that sounded like weakened bones giving way. Sometimes, love overrides the pain. 

While many of the people who claimed to try to help me as a child probably did more harm than good by making promises and never following through, a couple of educators truly saw and celebrated me. For some, they showed this by writing a letter requesting I be put in a reading class that would challenge me. One worded it more as an admonition for my enthusiasm making less motivated readers feel bad about themselves and I still got placed back in redial reading the next year. Others gave me outdated reading textbooks from higher grade levels. I devoured all of these words ravenously. 

One teacher in particular took it upon herself to champion me. She didn’t limit the encouragement to just her class. She encouraged my interest in other areas of learning, pointing our with excitement how those interests related to each other. She may have also clothed me for a couple of years. I had a hobo not-chic hand-me-down style that no one else bothered to try to correct politely. (You know other kids weren’t kind—most of the time). 

And she wasn’t the only bonus mom who tried to fill in where my own exhausted mother couldn’t find the time. If you really know me, you know I was the least needy of her children. Some have observed that I essentially raised myself in some areas. In other arenas, I may have been raised more like a boy. Thus you get treated to the weirdness that I call personality.

So despite all my complaints, I have to confess, that I want to be kind. I want to care. I will not randomly decide I hate you because your beliefs or appearance different than mine. And I state certain things all the time, but I shall try to summarize a few here:

I don’t care who you love as long as you respect my assurances that I want to be your friend but I don’t need to be just like you or make out with you to do that.

I am not staring because I am judging you. Sometimes, I am just looking your way because your smile or your eyes are beautiful. At other times, I am looking at the art that someone painstakingly applied to your skin while you exhibited the patience of a saint. 

On a similar note, I may be counting your piercings or contemplating how one tiny hole became large enough to stick a finger through. I am socially awkward not judging you.

If I am asking you questions about your beliefs, I am not about to attack. I want to understand. Honestly, I have bolstered my own faith on more than one occasion where I asked awkward questions about another’s faith. Not because I found their faith wanting but because what they said about their faith sparked a testimony of my own. 

In short, this world we live in needs more love. Let’s assume the best of each other. Sometimes, the person who cut you off just wasn’t paying attention. And even if they were darting in and out of traffic like they mistake the highway for a racetrack, maybe it is best to try to avoid that particular person instead of deciding to drag race them… 

Maybe You’ll Hear Me? [RANT]

We’ve all had those one-sided conversations where the person clicks their tongue or offers an unconvincing “uh-huh” to your viewpoint before launching back into theirs. You know they did’t listen to a word you said. Eventually, you even question why you bother opening your mouth. I seem to be having them more and more frequently. When did the concept of a conversation being an exchange of ideas die an ignoble death?

Judging from how some of my conversation partners launch into lecturing me like a small child who needs educated while repeating concepts I already expressed, I fear that a lack of respect is the actual issue. Perhaps, they haven’t quite caught onto the fact that I have lived more than four decades already and I kind of skipped over being an actual bonafide child despite my excessively large collection of stuffed animals and other random toys.

So let me give you some perspective for those who hear I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and assume I grew up in an idealized little world where everything went my way. They seem to think I was loved and coddled and sheltered from the big bad world. But I assure you that big bad wolf has taken a few bites out of me. I turn some of my life experiences into a bit of a comedy routine because if I don’t laugh, I might be horrified and break down or cry.

My first few years of life were lived with an alcoholic. When not drinking, some people are sweet and kind and thoughtful. But if they get enough alcohol in them, inhibitions and intelligence leave the room and anything seems appropriate. Hurting animals. Encouraging the children to help assure the adage of “if I can’t have you, no one can.” Putting things through windows regardless of who or what may be on the other side. So my feelings on the Word of Wisdom are based in experience as to why such counsel would be good.

We lived in a cabin with no running water or indoor plumbing for a summer. So if you mistook me for a wilting flower, that also isn’t true. I have roughed it. Old lady me can probably do it again if necessary. Maybe don’t sell me short…

From there we eventually moved on to living on the tracks. Yes, we were so poor, we couldn’t afford to live on the wrong side of the tracks. Indeed, we paid the railroad monthly rent to assure them they had no liability should we or our property fall in front of an oncoming train. We had outdoor cats, so you can imagine I have some experience with traumatic loss.

Compliments of children having the ability to be just as cruel as adults, I was bullied for well over a decade. Before you think that one kid just needed some major help, I assure you it wasn’t just by one kid. I have the scars internal and external to prove I was bullied by a fair number of peers. Somewhere a spring pictures still reveals bruises I tried to hide because boys thought beating on me was better than therapy. I also have memories of adults joining in by asking me what I was doing to incite this. Um, honestly, I was usually just reading my book. Sorry that angered people. Some things never change.

In all of this, did it ever occur to me to assuage my own pain in a similar manner? No. I would rather help people than hurt them. Did I ignore the pain of people who made it clear they hated me? No. In fact, I would usually let them vent until they realized who was showing them compassion and wander off, stunned, “Did you see who I was talking to?” The people they turned to usually weren’t as keen to listen and certainly didn’t care. So why did I? Because someone needs to who or the whole purpose of humanity dissolves.

So if I keep telling you to look for the good, you should rest assured that it can be found. But, honestly, sometimes it has to start with us. Look for ways to help not hurt. Hurting other people never truly brings the peace you are seeking. Helping them brings so much more than peace. Try it out without expectations of being rewarded. Expectation is what ruins it.

How do I know?

Because my number one bully asked me for forgiveness eight years after graduation. For those doing math, that was eighteen years after he started torturing me to forget that parts of his life weren’t ideal. And he isn’t the only one who has felt the need to apologize. Some even apologize with more frequency. If I say I forgive you, please let me and then be better to me, yourself, and this whole world.

Things I Shouldn’t Say? [PREACHY]

If you know me, you know the filter between my brain and my wagging tongue frequently fails to work. This results in the treat of random songs floating out of my mouth, blunt words dropping like anvils though I try to be diplomatic, and the rare clamping down of mouth over tongue that leads to awkward silence because some power greater than my mortal mind prompts me, just in time, not to drop that truth bomb. 

Lately, I’ve been struggling with people telling me that I am not a Christian and then proceeding to inform me of what exactly the religion I am baptized into believes though they haven’t studied the teachings of said religion for as long as I have. This weighs heavy on my heart. If you see my beliefs this way, how do you see me?

Let’s take a step back in time to a couple of decades ago. My roommate came home from trip with his fiancée and proceeded to tell me about some “Mormons” he annoyed at the wedding he attended. (Yes. My roommate was male. Quelle horreur! Another opportunity for people to tell me I was unchristian and not following my faith. Still boggles my mind that I grew up living with my two brothers and no one questioned that, but I live with a guy I think of as a brother and the assumptions abound. Anyway, the culmination of his conversation with his future “Mormon” relatives was that they could drink champagne if they wanted and make all the excuses they wanted, but he knew me and knew that I went to church almost every day. (We had activities every day. We were very social creatures and didn’t exactly blend with the skimpily clad drunks stumbling down High Street.) And my friend, who apparently listened to my random ramblings and respected me, chose to believe me when I shared my beliefs. He disagreed, often strenuously, but he accepted me for who I am and was willing to defend my beliefs to others.

But can I call people out for judging me right after they accuse me of judging them? Probably not. Just because I express an opinion that disagrees with you, particularly if you didn’t press your opposing view prior to me sharing mine, doesn’t mean I am judging you. What happened to the world where we could talk to each other and agree to disagree?

For instance, I have been told I can not love both “Star Wars” and “Star Trek” and yet I do. I also love “Doctor Who” and “Defiance” and “Firefly” and really need to watch more “Babylon Five” and “Farscape” because I liked what I saw, but feel like I need to see more to declare myself a fan.

Hope you are all enjoying this major day for nerds to celebrate what makes our world a little brighter even though it seems to be burning down around us. What makes you want to be better and influence the world for good?

Don’t Be Offended: Be Kind [PREACHY]

 I caught snippets of a friend’s social media feed last night and had to go back and read it again. Two of my smart, beautiful, creative, and talented friends were comparing notes on their experience in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They experienced or heard about events that made them uncomfortable with attending church. Their comments made my heart burn within me because I don’t ever want anyone to feel like they aren’t loved or welcome by Heavenly Father. And I don’t want anyone to turn their back on God because someone else made bad choices. So many thoughts have entered my head in the intervening hours that I am afraid I will not be able to express them properly, but I want to try.

First, President Russell M. Nelson revealed a new proclamation in April of 202. The first paragraph encapsulates so many of my feelings that I want to share it:

“We solemnly proclaim that God loves His children in every nation of the world. God the Father has given us the divine birth, the incomparable life, and the infinite atoning sacrifice of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. By the power of the Father, Jesus rose again and gained the victory over death. He is our Savior, our Exemplar, and our Redeemer.”

If you ever felt unloved at church, it was not Heavenly Father’s intention. I had a friend tell me, many many times, that the church is not the people. I needed to be reassured multiple times because humans are not perfect. We fall short. We have to keep trying and striving to be better. 

God, however, is perfect and his love for us is perfect. He wants all of his children to be happy. He wants all of us to know we can turn to him. He may not always respond in big miraculous ways, but he will answer our sincere prayers, often through the Holy Spirit whispering to our hearts or someone else stepping forward to fill our need.

Second, a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland keeps coming into my mind. One of the points he makes is that:

“My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.” We should avoid that latter excessive expectation of ourselves and of others and, I might add, of those who are called to serve in the Church—which for Latter-day Saints means everyone, for we are all called to serve somewhere.”

Yes, we are asked to serve. Yes, sometimes what we are asked to do can be hard. But it is worth it. If we truly feel uncomfortable, Heavenly Father won’t judge you for walking away. He will give you other chances to grow and progress as you are ready. Keep in mind, that sometimes we don’t have as much faith in our ability as he does.

Third, one of the concerns that my friends mentioned was abuse and sexual assault within the church. Once more, I repeat that anyone choosing to use the church to manipulate someone into such activities is not acting in accordance with the wishes of the church. Heavenly Father wants us to help each other, not hurt each other.

I remember a red-faced missionary who was about the same age as me asking me about the law of chastity to make sure I was really ready to be baptized. Similar questions get asked by bishop’s and stake presidents before making other important covenants in the church. I can see how the questions could be misconstrued, but I have never had a church leader make me feel like they were trying to take advantage of me.

The men who actually made me feel uncomfortable at church were never in positions of power. One pushed my up against a wall of the chapel  in a very suggestive way and then laughed when I fought him off of me. Another told me my clothes would look better crumpled on his floor and then laughingly claimed it was a joke (if I wasn’t interested). I even had a few guys very pointedly tell me they only joined the church because they were promised a wife. As far as I know, they have all disassociated from the church with some excuse for how the church made them feel “less than”.

As I was reading through this week’s “Come Follow Me” lesson, it referred me to a talk by David A. Bednar that I think I need to read more often because I sadly find myself easily offended. He reminded us:

“When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”

And:

“Understanding that the Church is a learning laboratory helps us to prepare for an inevitable reality. In some way and at some time, someone in this Church will do or say something that could be considered offensive. Such an event will surely happen to each and every one of us—and it certainly will occur more than once. Though people may not intend to injure or offend us, they nonetheless can be inconsiderate and tactless.

"You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.”

In short, I understand that people are imperfect, whether they choose to go to a certain church or not, but I testify that I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father loves us. I know that if we listen for the Holy Spirit, it can comfort us, warn us, and guide us. Life is hard, so don’t make it worse by cutting out your biggest fan, your Heavenly Father. Let Him help you. Let Him guide you, and don’t let anyone keep you from living and believing.

~~

I am including links to articles I referenced in case you want to study them more deeply. I also feel I should share a post that came to my attention about a new book. I haven’t read the book yet, but I feel like it might give perspective to someone who is struggling.

The Proclamation

Elder Holland’s Talk

Come Follow Me: Introduction From General Conference

Come Follow Me: 2020 Handbooks

David A. Bednar’s Talk 

Charlie Bird’s “Without the Mask”