Forgiveness

I read through this a couple of times to make sure I answered all the questions that popped into my head as I read it. What do you think?

Once, I loved a man with my entire heart and soul. I gave him everything I had. I trusted him more completely than I ever imagined. He took that trust and twisted it around his delicate fingers until it cracked under the pressure. I left him in a fit of anger and never looked back.

Then he entered my life again. I looked up from my order pad to find those soft blue eyes gazing deep into my own. He smiled shyly and raised his hand in a slight wave. My lips could not return his smile and my hand would not return his wave. I jotted down my customer’s order and spun on one heel. Hurried footsteps carried me to the kitchen.

I had enough forethought to grab some empty plates so no one even glanced at me. I slipped into the dimmest corner of the kitchen where our young dishwasher enthusiastically scraped bits of food and soiled napkins from each plate before gently lowering them into sudsy water. He offered me a lopsided grin as he noticed me meditating on his rhythmic cleaning.

“Hey, Karen. You can drop those anywhere.”

“Thank you.” I mumbled, adding them to the smallest pile on a nearby cart.

He glanced at me questioningly as I lingered. “Something wrong?”

“No. Not at all. If anyone asks, I’m taking my break.”

He nodded his assent and began whistling as he turned his back to me and bent over his chore. I pushed open the heavy door into the narrow alley. The overpowering scents of cigarettes and dumpsters overwhelmed me as I peered around the door. I glanced around to be sure of my solitude before stepping out into the chill fall morning. I leaned back against the wall as a single tear slid down my cheek. As more tears followed, memories flooded my mind.

~~

Three years younger and infinitely more innocent, my breath caught as Joel walked me to my door after our third date. He reached for my hand, pulling gently until I turned to face him.

“You didn’t have to…” My words faded as I saw the look on his face.

He smiled a little and leaned toward me. Our free hands sought each other as I leaned into him. Our lips met tentatively. I barely registered the softness of his lips, tinged with the sweetness of unflavored lip balm, before he pulled back to offer me that same sweet smile.

“Sleep well. I’ll see you soon.”

~~

Then my mind stepped forward a few months. I arrived home from a rough day at the diner to find him waiting for me. Snowflakes swirled around him as he leaned against my door.

“There she is.” As his face lit up, he pulled his hand out from under his long coat.

He extended a bouquet of bluebells toward me. Their soft scent flooded toward me. I smiled and reached for them.

“How did you get bluebells in December?”

“I have my sources.”

As I took the bouquet from him, I breathed in deeply. Their sweet perfume washed away the hassles of a day serving ungrateful customers. As my lips twitched, he reached for my free hand.

“I thought they’d get you in the right mood for what I need to say.”

I felt the corners of my lips fall and disappointment crept into my voice. “Oh?”

“Don’t worry.” He wrapped his free arm around me, pulling me close so he could whisper in my ear. “I just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

My face flushed as our lips met before I could assure him that my feelings matched his.

~~

My mind moved forward to about six months prior. My heart raced with the same anticipation as the scene unfolded in my mind.

“You look beautiful.” Joel reassured me, as I looked at myself skeptically in the dark paint of his Toyota Camry.

I smiled as he opened the door and helped me into the car. I reached for the door to close it and he stopped me, leaning over to tuck my skirt safely inside the car. Then he blew me a kiss and closed the door. He kept me laughing as he drove us to dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant, he rushed to my side of the car.

“Close your eyes.” He said, as we reached the door.

“What?”

“Trust me.”

I closed my eyes. The door squealed a little as he pulled it open and guided me inside. As a second door opened, the soft scents of a dozen tempting meals wafted over me. My eyelids fluttered.

“Keep them closed a couple more seconds.” He whispered in my ear.

I giggled as his warm breath tickled me. He stepped behind me to place his hands on my shoulders. Under the gentle pressure of his palms, I took tiny steps to get to our table. I heard the conversations at other tables taper off as we walked past them. Soon his hands tightened on my shoulders. I stopped moving. The smell of bluebells hung heavily here.

“Open your eyes.”

I opened my eyes to find a table covered in bluebells. Nestled among the delicate crystal vases of wildflowers, a large card bore neatly scripted words in gold ink.

“Karen, will you marry me?” Joel knelt at my side as he repeated the words on the card.

~~

The one memory that I tried so hard to shove aside and hide away followed this one into my mind.

The hardwood door of the apartment I would soon share with my new husband gleamed under the fluorescent lights as I transferred the garment bag holding my wedding dress to my left hand. I fumbled for my keys. As the key clicked in the lock and the tumblers began to move, a soft female voice filtered through the door.

“Oh, Joel.”

I froze. The dress fell from my hand. As it crumpled on the floor, my other hand tightened on the flat end of the key. I twisted it until the tumblers finished falling away from each other. Then I used my now free left hand to twist the doorknob. I followed the door into the room. I gasped as tears began to form in my eyes.

Slender, tan legs wrapped around familiar hips. Strong, broad shoulders rippled under equally tan fingers capped in long, red nails. The hands disappeared as Joel’s hands reached up to grip her wrists.

“Janice…” Joel’s breathless voice calling out another woman’s name, my best friend’s name, rammed home the arrow of seeing him tangled up in her embrace.

Usually, my memory fades out there. I vaguely remember the pounding of footsteps as he chased me down the stairs. I remember reaching the door first and racing into the street. I remember Joel calling out to me. His voice and blaring horns caused my feet to move faster.

~~

I never looked back. I never returned his calls. I thought he respected my decision. I hadn’t seen him since he tried to catch me outside the diner on the date that was to be our spring wedding. Three months had passed since then. Why was he here now?

And why did some memory tickle my brain that I had missed something? Was I really ready to remember more horrible details about the day my heart broke?

A faint echo of Joel’s voice filled my mind. “Janice, you are no longer welcome here.” My racing footsteps undercut the last few words.

“She wouldn’t…” I muttered to myself.

The door opened slowly toward me. I hurried to wipe away my tears, hoping my face didn’t reveal that 

I had been crying. I stood up hurriedly as the door opened further.

“Please don’t go.” Joel’s soft voice startled me.

I sagged against the wall. “You let me go before.” Bitter words.

“I didn’t let you go. I gave you time, but I can’t wait forever. It hurts…”

“It hurts to wait.” My chin rose as I rounded on him. “Not as much as it hurt to see…”

He stepped closer. “I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me.”

“That’s ridiculous. She was my best friend.”

“So you can believe I’d cheat with her, but not that she would try to seduce me.”

“I know what I saw.”

“Do you?” He stared at me with those warm blue eyes.

I could see tears forming in them. His eyebrows raised questioningly. Barely remembered words 

echoed through my mind again.

“But why would she?”

“She was your friend…not mine.” He reached out to touch me.

“She always was competitive.” I mused as I placed my hands in his. “What did I do?”

His lip trembled as he sought the right words. He shook his head and spoke softly.

“Gave us too much time apart, but we can make it right. Spring will come again.”

“I should have let you explain.” I admitted as he gently squeezed my hands.

Though I had more to say, I never said it. I didn’t need to. He knew me too well. He leaned down to kiss me, and all my pain and insecurity melted away.