Merry Etiquette! {RANT]

The week leading up to Christmas has proved as insanely busy as we now expect it to be. I have been wrapping gifts, searching for gifts I know I bought, reviewing lists, and wishing I had more jolly in my holly, but it has been a long year and an even longer month. Some of you know what I saying. Others are questioning whether I ate enough cookies.

Don’t worry, some elves have been dropping off goodies for us. This has been getting us through since other priorities have kept me from doing my holiday baking. So far, I have received a dozen pairs of adorable socks, hot cocoa with a mug and fun flavor options, a gingerbread house which my family decorated beautifully while I got distracted by laundry and tidying, tiny little cookies, festive snack mix, hugs from my two favorite girls, and other things I have already forgotten. My brain is already back to pondering last minute gifts and some time with friends…

But I was able to attend Christmas concerts for both of my little angels. They seem to have inherited the problem of breathing wrong, so they end up yawning halfway through any given song. Luckily, they are adorable, so it somehow worked for them. I was able to get one child’s attention early on, so they knew I was there. The other didn’t see me until the end of the program and it showed. She was glum and barely involved as she sang along with her friends during the first round of songs. During the second round, She was animated and, dare I say, excited to be singing her heart out.

Aside from seeing my two favorite girls, I got to see some of their friends and some of mine. I even reconnected with another mom that I would like to get know better. And her child and mine would love to spend more time playing together, so I think this will work out for everybody. I also got to sit with friends both days and see their adorable babies sing along with mine. In fact, I got to see more of their kids than mine. This is where the rant begins.

Who is the modern Emily Post? I need to know, so I can look to see if she has updated etiquette for the use of cell phones during public performances. Yes, it is just a kids’ show. Yes, we all want to take some pictures and maybe some video for long-distance grandparents. But what is the etiquette for this???

I usually try to make sure my camera screen is hidden by my gargantuan, alien head. I also pick a spot and try my best not to move around, so people behind me can, hopefully, do the same and make some memories that can be shared (even by those of us who can barely draw a stick figure). I fear I might be alone. The principal asked us to remain seated, yet people kept standing up to get a better view or waving their hands in the air, screens out. One guy arrived late and slow walked all the way across the room and then stood chatting between this short woman and her short child for a couple minutes before finally sitting down. 

And the rudeness didn’t end there. A family near me kept a running commentary, which begs the question of why they came if they didn’t want to see and hear the kids. Or maybe their kid wasn’t performing yet, so they assumed no one else wanted to hear their own kids? Admittedly, I made the occasional comment because some kids that I didn’t know (pretty much every kindergarten student) was too cute not to make sure they were seen by my friends, but I tried to not be a constant voice in the background. I also tried to make sure I couldn’t be easily overheard by people six feet from me—over the music…

And the icing on the cake resulted from three grade levels participating in each show. I understand that people have work. I know that watching other people’s kids perform might not be your jam. I realize that getting in and out of an overloaded parking lot can be a hassle. But how do you think the last group of kids feels when they look out an audience that has shrunk to a third of its original size? Add to that, the fact that people disregarded the principal’s information about the flow of students to and from the stage and basically waded through the groups of students trying to stay with their class. And these adults, who should know better, sometimes felt it necessary to show displeasure that the children were exactly where they were meant to be by glaring at them. Not cool. Also not in the spirit of the season.

Hopefully, Christmas will work it’s magic on me and turn me into more of a jolly old elf by the new year.

Does It Take So Much? [RANTING]

Is this the post that moves from ranting to raving? Have I finally slid off my cracker and landed in the nuthouse? Or am I just an old soul who got lost with one foot inside the door of the future and now doesn't know whether to keep going forward or pull that foot back?

I've been reflecting on the loss of proper etiquette as we try to stay connected to friends and family who have scattered across the world. Keeping in touch should be easy with technology to aid us, but what should be an advantage can prove a hindrance for a variety of reasons. As I reflect upon them, I hope to improve my own communication as well as inspire others to be a little old-fashioned and think of how their interactions change the world around them.

First, we don't value written communication as much as we once did. Many of my friends grew up in a time before the value of words dropped from everything to nothing. They remember to mail cards for birthdays and anniversaries as well as the obligatory Christmas card. They may even give in to the temptation to reconnect for Easter or Halloween. And, of course, they send heartfelt thank you cards for everything. Inspired by such examples, I wrote personalized thank you cards for every gift I received at my baby shower before I had a chance to forget, some even got to their recipient within three days. Many people expressed surprise when I hand-delivered my gratitude. A couple even laughingly advised me that I should have claimed "baby brain" and never expressed my thanks.

This leads into my second observation, the new norm involves planning to respond when it is more convenient or conveniently forgetting. As a new mom, this has happened more than I care to admit. You read an email, start to formulate an answer, and then the crying starts. After offering comfort or food or cleaning up an explosion (poop-xplosion?), you forget to finish your missive. When prompted again to provide an answer, I include an apology with a quickly-worded response. By this point, I assume questions will follow if my response proves illogical or doesn't cover all the questions. I try not to get defensive about the repeat question. After all, I have needed to ask followup questions on more than one occasion. When the response proved defensive, I tried to smooth the ruffled feathers. When I still didn't get the answer or got another angry response, I confess I've let some friendships lapse. It shouldn't feel like a full-time job to get an answer to a simple question, especially when a "yes", "no", or "I'll have to check" would easily set my worries to rest.

My third difficulty comes as a result of so many available ways to communicate. Should I tweet, email, message, text, call, snapchat, send smoke signals...? Once someone establishes their preferred method of communication, exchanging information and extending invites becomes much easier. Though some people still refuse to respond no matter how careful you are to use the appropriate means of contact. Is it hard to be honest about how you wish to be contacted? 

THERE'S MORE:

In order to clarify for those who may wonder why so many people don't want to talk to a charmer like me, I should provide additional information. My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has a couple of programs that I compare to a phone tree. The program for women goes by the moniker "visiting teaching". Two women receive a list with a couple of names of other sisters in their local church (ward). They are counseled to visit those sisters each month, bring them a message, and make sure their needs, both spiritual and temporal, are being met. They report back to another sister (supervisor) who reports back to the head (president) of the women's organization of the church (Relief Society). In this way, any needs or concerns can be met without the Relief Society President needing to call the hundred plus women in her ward each month. (Men participate in a similar program called "home teaching". They get the added responsibility of teaching entire families).

As one of the supervisors, I need to contact other women from my ward to ask if they visited with the sisters on their list. Sadly, real life often keeps us from making the ideal visit (set up an appointment, arrive early to briefly meet with the sister helping you teach, knock on the door, go inside, chat a little to see how the sister and her family are doing, have an opening prayer, have a lesson, see if there is something you can do to help, have a closing prayer, present a treat). At the moment that we are being asked to account for our faithfulness in visiting teaching, we can become defensive. After a few months, creative methods must be used to avoid speaking to the person who keeps prompting us to admit our shortcomings. As the person being avoided, my feelings get hurt from time to time and some months I send one email and then try to catch them in person where I hope my smile can assure them that I come in peace.

WHAT CAN I DO?

My quick take on what I can do regardless of which side of the communication barrier I stand:

1. Be honest. Be honest about what you need and how you feel.
2. Be consistent. Don't change your opinion on how you want to contacted every day or get upset when someone calls when you said to call or emails when you said to email.
3. Be polite. Don't resort to name calling or nasty jabs. Just repeat your question if you must or send a short civil response.
4. Be empathetic. We don't all think alike, so keep in mind that the person you are communicating with may think differently than you and take that into account before sending off a nasty email or letting your feelings be hurt.
5. Respond promptly. Even if you only have time to send a "yes" or a "no", that lets the person know you got their message. Also, that frequently answers the question and lets the other person move forward. (And if you must do some research, try to get that done and your findings reported as swiftly as possible. It clears up your backlog of tasks to complete, too.) I've seen some wise advice that may help in most of these situations: only look at an email, text, etc. once. Respond immediately and move onto to the next missive.

Should I say more???