Getting Things Done [RANT]

A friend invited my tiny hobbits and I to see a live performance of “Annie” with her family this past Saturday. Having never seen more than a few minutes of any version, I was excited as they were. One gave extra cuddles every time the performance reminded us what an orphan is. The other fell in love with dog. But what really caught my heart was how she stretched to her full height and moved to the edge of her seat to watch one of the intricate dance numbers. 

They found the next day less exciting with church as usual, but it started a little later, so they were up and ready well before we needed to leave the house last year. Then it was back to school for them and slowly digging out of the holiday mess for me. My trash and recycling people might get fuller cans than normal from us this week. 

Then Monday came and they returned to school. My legs are in an uproar about my sudden return to taking walks and my renewed obsession with tidying my house. I’m starting small, but I have lots of rooms that need attention. Maybe someday, my house will be clean enough to just maintain instead of constantly trying to dig my way out of the mess. Does that happen with kids?

In other news, my oldest thought messing around in daddy’s office was the best way to spend Tuesday night. This created a day for grumping. Since the day also included two special activities just for her, she didn’t get the most out of her day. The same principle holds true when I fail to get my beauty sleep. I feel like we all have that failing, so let’s try to get some good sleep from now on.

My youngest enjoyed an activity at church while sister grouchily slumbered on the couch. The kids went from station to station, trying to complete tasks and getting to know each other. I think the favorite station was the one where they put a cracker or cookie on their forehead and tried to get it to their mouth without using their hands. Definitely fun to watch. I didn’t try it myself, but some of the kids made it look like a task I could not complete without lots of trial and error. I was busy trying to motivate anyone at all to come drop tiny animals into a vase from their forehead.

Not much else to chat about. I did take down my Christmas tree. Yes, we put one up this year. I have already filled that space with boxes that I hope will help declutter the house. Come on 2026, we’ve got this. 

Welcome Back [RANT]

So I have entered the realm of instagram. Shout out to anyone who ended up here from there. A bigger hurrah to my long term readers. I am sorry I have neglected you lately. I need to make time to write when my muse feels like sharing, but her favorite time to share is when my eyelids have that itchy feeling they get when they just want to be pressed together. I could try recording my thoughts or using voice to text, but then the rest of my household will come running to see what I am murmuring about in the darkness. That will result in less sleep for me, which can’t possibly resolve the issue.

Of course, the insta-road like most I travel has had some missed turns and unexpected u-turns. A couple of days after joining Instagram, they suspended my account. Apparently my affection for Spock and Data and lack of posting led them to believe I was a bot. As of this moment, I am back on the gram (with a square of chocolate and a melty marshmallow), so feel free to find me, follow me, and support me.

I do wonder if Instagram’s temporary rejection of my reality was their version of support. I did have another writer friend encourage me to spend more time on my own personal projects than my feeble attempts to network and advertise and my ongoing assessments of the works of others, which requires reading and, as a fellow writer, just shows some respect by giving reviews and feedback.

In other news, April is coming up fast. As usual, I plan to follow along with the inspiring prompters at Writer’s Digest, so fans of my poetic stylings should be gratified.

And for those who are like, none of this is anything new to normal people. I offer this discovery from my amateur archeology as I seek something to write:

TO TOXIC FRIENDS

I’d stick by you through thick and thin

But you’d just betray me again

So when you walk away, keep going

I know the foolish feint you’re doing

But if you are fool enough to set me free

My life will be as it should be

As yours comes crashing around your ears

No more harness helping me assuage your fears

So swing loose, swing free

And let go of your hold on me

Should I Tell You? [RANT]

I blame the unseasonably warm weather for my mind's jaunts down memory lane. I find myself worrying and wondering about people who haven't spoken to me in years. Can I call them friends? Do I have the right to worry and hope for them? If they happen upon this page and realize, "She's talking to me," will they quickly follow it with, "But why?" I never know. The past cannot be changed, but perhaps the future can be rewritten by sending out some positive energy to loves past and present.

To My Shy Friend From Years Ago

I thought of you today. You were one of the quiet ones that shuddered when they made fun of you and cried where they could see you. I wanted to tell you not to let them see you cry, but I was afraid you'd think I was joining in on their antics. When you realized I was on your side, you clung to me. That made me uncomfortable. I hope I never added to your sadness by not being as strong of a life rope as  you wanted. I hope they didn't break you. I hope you realized your worth despite the blindness of others. I hope life is treating you well and you've surrounded yourself with people who get you and support you. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth more than I think you could ever know.

To One of the Many Who Lied to Me

I know our whole friendship hinged on lies. You started with lies about your name and built on them. I think I knew. I kept asking questions that you couldn't answer satisfactorily. Something told me not to point out the pieces that didn't fit into the jigsaw puzzle. Somehow you enter my mind from time to time. I hope you stopped running from yourself and your past. The one truth I know of you is your love for a certain someone that I never met. I hope you returned to them and made things right. I hope you're building a future built on what is real and true.

To One Who Lied to Oneself

Not sure why I keep thinking of you. Most people observing from outside our friendship would think us more enemies than friends, but I care about you, so I worry. I have two versions of you in my mind because you've presented two faces to the world. I sometimes wonder how you know who you are when those two halves are so different. Maybe that is why I worry when I see or read a similar story playing out on screen or page. I hope you are well. I hope you didn't push away people who love you because you feel they don't really know you. People only know what you show them and tell them, and the best friends tend to overlook lies whether those lies stem from outright misleading information or simple omission of important details.

To My Larry (and Eddy)

I've been watching "Leave It to Beaver" because I continue to be fascinated by simpler times. I've noticed that the Beaver and Wally aren't the troubled, disobedient kids I once thought they were from quick descriptions of their antics. In most cases, their troubles come from their inability to stand up to encouragement to misbehave from their dear friends. We all have friends who encourage us to do or not do tasks against our better judgement. If your friends don't respect your opinions or worries, it might be wise not to let them force theirs on you. Make good choices and be kind to your friends.

So cryptic are the thoughts in my head. Hopefully, your thoughts do not tangle and swirl like this.

What I Would Say? Should I Say? [RANT]

Lately, my mind is filled with words I would say. My brain chases these words up and down its halls, wanting to free them. I keep them to myself for fear of inadvertently insulting someone or being misunderstand. So I thought I would post them here. I hope they offer some nugget of hope or clarity. Maybe the person who inspired each of these thoughts will actually get a chance to read them and be uplifted.

For those I love who no longer see themselves when they look in the mirror:

I love you. I know you look in a mirror and see your imperfections, but I see the person I love. You may have aged since we first met, but I see your youth, vibrance, and inner beauty. I don't care if your hair is out of place or your makeup is smeared. I just want to spend time with you. I gather people have the same feelings about my house, despite the transients who apparently live in my living room and love board books.

Please don't try to keep me away when I say I want to see you. Accept my request to visit for what it is and let me see the person I see. Maybe, you'll be able to see that beautiful soul too.

For the good husbands/wives of my friends:

Even though we have never met, I adore you. When your spouse speaks of you, it is with great respect and love. You help raise their children as if they truly were your own flesh and blood. The effect you have on my friend, bringing hope and inspiration, encouraging them to be better every day,  and standing by them even in the most difficult circumstances, makes me so glad you found each other.

Furthermore, when I see other people insulting or attacking you, I want to leap to your defense. Don't let them make you question what your marriage brings to the world. Dump those "friends". Find more friends who see the incredible person I see. Spend time with people who are inspired by your strong marriage and obvious love, respect, and affection for each other. To me, you are part of the good in the world.

For people who think I am ignoring them:

I'm not ignoring you. Life sometimes sends me running to keep up with what I absolutely must do. If my daughter needs me in the middle of my bustling, I stop. She doesn't understand that mommy needs to teach a class, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, or run to the bathroom. I assume adults have the emotional maturity to understand that sometimes I can't stop to chat. Try setting up a "play date" with me instead of trying to stop me when I am racing to the church class that I teach, trying to grab the week's groceries between my daughter's feedings, or weaving through the throng to find my seat and prepare for sacrament meeting.

For the parent who thinks they are failing at parenting:

Are you giving your child love? Do you provide them food, clothing, and shelter? Do they smile when they see you and reach out to you? Do they call for you when bad dreams or hunger disrupt their day? Are you offering support (moral, physical, financial) to your parenting partner?
If you are caring for your child's basic needs, you are a good parent. If you are making sacrifices for your child, you are a great parent.

Remember to take care of yourself while you are caring for your little ones. They need you here for them much more than they need you to buy them expensive toys and Disney vacations. Be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself down or let yourself belief that your all isn't enough. If you didn't love your babies, you wouldn't care or feel guilty for "not doing enough". Just keep being the best parent you can be and don't compare yourself to anyone else.

To my readers:

I hope you are enjoying these tidbits from my mind. Like most people, I appreciate a little feedback and this blog has a comment section for that reason. Which types of posts do you like best? What will bring you back time after time to see what words have flowed from week to week?

Does It Take So Much? [RANTING]

Is this the post that moves from ranting to raving? Have I finally slid off my cracker and landed in the nuthouse? Or am I just an old soul who got lost with one foot inside the door of the future and now doesn't know whether to keep going forward or pull that foot back?

I've been reflecting on the loss of proper etiquette as we try to stay connected to friends and family who have scattered across the world. Keeping in touch should be easy with technology to aid us, but what should be an advantage can prove a hindrance for a variety of reasons. As I reflect upon them, I hope to improve my own communication as well as inspire others to be a little old-fashioned and think of how their interactions change the world around them.

First, we don't value written communication as much as we once did. Many of my friends grew up in a time before the value of words dropped from everything to nothing. They remember to mail cards for birthdays and anniversaries as well as the obligatory Christmas card. They may even give in to the temptation to reconnect for Easter or Halloween. And, of course, they send heartfelt thank you cards for everything. Inspired by such examples, I wrote personalized thank you cards for every gift I received at my baby shower before I had a chance to forget, some even got to their recipient within three days. Many people expressed surprise when I hand-delivered my gratitude. A couple even laughingly advised me that I should have claimed "baby brain" and never expressed my thanks.

This leads into my second observation, the new norm involves planning to respond when it is more convenient or conveniently forgetting. As a new mom, this has happened more than I care to admit. You read an email, start to formulate an answer, and then the crying starts. After offering comfort or food or cleaning up an explosion (poop-xplosion?), you forget to finish your missive. When prompted again to provide an answer, I include an apology with a quickly-worded response. By this point, I assume questions will follow if my response proves illogical or doesn't cover all the questions. I try not to get defensive about the repeat question. After all, I have needed to ask followup questions on more than one occasion. When the response proved defensive, I tried to smooth the ruffled feathers. When I still didn't get the answer or got another angry response, I confess I've let some friendships lapse. It shouldn't feel like a full-time job to get an answer to a simple question, especially when a "yes", "no", or "I'll have to check" would easily set my worries to rest.

My third difficulty comes as a result of so many available ways to communicate. Should I tweet, email, message, text, call, snapchat, send smoke signals...? Once someone establishes their preferred method of communication, exchanging information and extending invites becomes much easier. Though some people still refuse to respond no matter how careful you are to use the appropriate means of contact. Is it hard to be honest about how you wish to be contacted? 

THERE'S MORE:

In order to clarify for those who may wonder why so many people don't want to talk to a charmer like me, I should provide additional information. My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has a couple of programs that I compare to a phone tree. The program for women goes by the moniker "visiting teaching". Two women receive a list with a couple of names of other sisters in their local church (ward). They are counseled to visit those sisters each month, bring them a message, and make sure their needs, both spiritual and temporal, are being met. They report back to another sister (supervisor) who reports back to the head (president) of the women's organization of the church (Relief Society). In this way, any needs or concerns can be met without the Relief Society President needing to call the hundred plus women in her ward each month. (Men participate in a similar program called "home teaching". They get the added responsibility of teaching entire families).

As one of the supervisors, I need to contact other women from my ward to ask if they visited with the sisters on their list. Sadly, real life often keeps us from making the ideal visit (set up an appointment, arrive early to briefly meet with the sister helping you teach, knock on the door, go inside, chat a little to see how the sister and her family are doing, have an opening prayer, have a lesson, see if there is something you can do to help, have a closing prayer, present a treat). At the moment that we are being asked to account for our faithfulness in visiting teaching, we can become defensive. After a few months, creative methods must be used to avoid speaking to the person who keeps prompting us to admit our shortcomings. As the person being avoided, my feelings get hurt from time to time and some months I send one email and then try to catch them in person where I hope my smile can assure them that I come in peace.

WHAT CAN I DO?

My quick take on what I can do regardless of which side of the communication barrier I stand:

1. Be honest. Be honest about what you need and how you feel.
2. Be consistent. Don't change your opinion on how you want to contacted every day or get upset when someone calls when you said to call or emails when you said to email.
3. Be polite. Don't resort to name calling or nasty jabs. Just repeat your question if you must or send a short civil response.
4. Be empathetic. We don't all think alike, so keep in mind that the person you are communicating with may think differently than you and take that into account before sending off a nasty email or letting your feelings be hurt.
5. Respond promptly. Even if you only have time to send a "yes" or a "no", that lets the person know you got their message. Also, that frequently answers the question and lets the other person move forward. (And if you must do some research, try to get that done and your findings reported as swiftly as possible. It clears up your backlog of tasks to complete, too.) I've seen some wise advice that may help in most of these situations: only look at an email, text, etc. once. Respond immediately and move onto to the next missive.

Should I say more???

[PREACHY] Free To Be Me

People like to assume they know the inner workings of each other's minds because they know a few details about them. Girls only like pink, fluffy, lacy things. Men only think about naked women and beer. All Mormons are just trying to convert you. All people who disagree with us are terrorists. We pride ourselves on our intelligence, but we don't take time to learn more before we pass judgment on people.

I mention this because I was reflecting on how I react to people. I have quite a few friends who possess  model-worthy beauty. When I first saw them, I hesitated to talk to them because I couldn't imagine them wanting to talk to me. When they post pictures of themselves, I find myself amazed at how beautiful they are, inside and out. Luckily, these beautiful women approached me and invited me to be their friends.

On the other hand, people who wear their individuality on the outside put me at ease. I can walk right up to them and start a conversation. It could be any number of attributes that might make the norms uncomfortable that brings me out of my shell.

Dyed hair.

Unique clothing.

A warm smile for a stranger.

An unusual book clutched in their hands.

A comment that shows deeper than average thought.

At times, this part of my personality can be at odds with my own beliefs. I personally don't believe in getting tattoos and piercings that leave a hole big enough for me to peer through freak me out a little bit (a lot when I am certain I could put my fist through the hole), but I understand that people choose to express their individuality this way.

In my desire to just be respected for being me, I can't tell other people not to do what makes them happy. As long as they think through their choices and respect me and my rights, I could care less. Of course, if you have piercings or tattoos, I can't promise I won't stare. I take a closer look at paintings, architecture, and clothing, and my mind sees no difference in trying to to learn more from the stories people get printed in their skin.

A while back, I found a blog that says this better than I ever could (mainly because it is a different perspective):

http://alfoxshead.blogspot.com/2013/04/tattooed-mormon.html

[RANTINGS] The Happy Homemaker or The Witty Writer

Recent events bring me cause to remind people once again that their definitions of certain words need work. After having two weeks of my time wasted by one entity, I received a phone from a friend who figured I wouldn't be too busy to do them time-consuming favors. One of those favors was for a third party who I keep getting told to call and call again though I left them a message and they never bothered to call me back. I have since called again to no avail. What's the definition of insanity again? (Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?)

People hear homemaker and assume that means "one who has nothing going on in there life or one who waits beside the phone for you to tell them what to do today." The daily life of every homemaker is different, so keep in mind that I speak to my own unique situation. Whether you have children or not, the size of your house, the needs of all the members of the household, and a million other factors can affect what being a homemaker means to an individual. So what do I mean when I say homemaker?

1. Organizer. I am the reigning influence for order in my household. I choose where to put tools for everything from cooking to woodworking. So when my husband or I find exactly what we want with minimum effort, it is because I make sure items always find their way back to their designated location.
2. Personal shopper. Whether we need stamps, food, or small household items, I make a list and check it twice. Then I go fight the teeming hoards in the aisle of the local supermarket to acquire life-sustaining goodness.
3. Cleaning crew. No matter how cleanly you are, the house always needs cleaned. From dishes to clothes to floors, I always have plenty to keep the maid inside happy.
4. Craft specialist. This could be a job of its own. You've seen the posts about some of my creations. I make everything from coasters to journals to necklaces to quilts to whatnots. I have even sold a couple of my creations, so I claim to be an artist of sorts.
5. Chef. While my husband would love to live off of mac-n-cheese, burgers, cheese pizza, and chicken nuggets, I take the opportunity to introduce him to new foods on a regular basis. My job doesn't stop when I bring home produce and other delectables from the store, I still have to assemble them into something my husband will eat. Oddly enough, this takes time...and yet people give me strange looks when I inform them I need to be home by a certain time.
6. Social director. From time to time, my husband and I invite people over or send out cards and letters. Anyone who has ever visited my house can verify that no one starves in my house. The potato chips may come out of a bag, but generally I try out one or two other recipes when people come to visit.
7. Writer. When people aren't wasting my time, I write some entertaining pieces. Some people have even expressed appreciation for my poetry.

So the next time you want to ask someone for a favor, do so respectfully, and don't try to minimize the importance of what they do every day.

(Stray question: Should I elaborate more when I rant?)

[RANTINGS] Put It Down

When I pull my cell phone out of my pocket, people stare at me like I just offered to perform surgery with the aid of a rusty knife and a bottle of grain alcohol. Its clamshell design and extra large buttons scream that I am someone's grandmother who fears technology. Maybe, I do, but my ipad would disagree as I rub my greasy fingers on its face. I do fear that we spend too much time looking at screens and not enough time looking at the faces of real people.

As I ate dinner at a restaurant with my husband one day, I noticed a couple of grandparents with their grandkids. Both kids occupied their time with staring at the screens of tablets while the adults talked. My mind wandered, reviewing the little bit I remember about the time I spent with my grandparents. I wouldn't have those memories if I spent my time with them playing games or watching videos. I felt bad for those children. Someday, they'll regret that lost time, but they were happy and quiet in the moment, so why should anyone care?

Adults also follow the glowing leader. We pull out our phones during work meetings and church services to make sure we didn't miss an email, post, tweet, or comment. I have sat behind people checking their email on their smart phones, who looked annoyed when they had to bow their heads to pray. Then as someone else shared a message that they had spent a week perfecting, this person just kept scrolling. They looked up once, when the next speaker started speaking, but quickly refocused on the glowing screen in their hand. Are we getting the benefits of being in a place if we don't even listen to the material presented there?

Don't fret. I recognize the benefits of smart phones and tablets. I love being able to carry my scriptures wherever I go without throwing my shoulder out of whack. (Keep in mind that my scriptures include The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Pearl of Great Price, and The Doctrine and Covenants, as well as copious footnotes, maps, a dictionary, and other informative appendices.) I also have a hymn book, which includes sound files for most of the hymns, and as many resources as I care to download. I even have talks from General Conference dating back to 1971 at my fingertips (by my estimate, about 3,612 talks). That's amazing. Of course, I also have games and other apps to distract my mind and help me unwind.

The issue? How we choose to use these resources. We choose to distract our children rather than talk to them. We choose to worry about what our friends post on facebook rather than what the friend sharing a meal with us has to say. We even interrupt people to answer a phone call, when we could let it go to voicemail. Usually, these aren't important enough to be rude to the people around us. If you aren't expecting a call and it isn't from someone who only calls in the case of an emergency, you can let them wait or keep it brief. Try it and see.

I am planning a more in depth post to detail some changes I plan to make in my own life, so don't consider this subject closed. Just ask yourself, what do you want to remember about today? Nothing because you just scrolled through your junk mail or something amazing because you spent time with the person next to you.

[RANTINGS] Private Pain

I've been struggling with this post for a number of months now. I'm never quite sure I have used the right words, but I decided to put it out there for the world to see and critique. Feel free to let me know if I need to clarify. My thoughts jump around too much for me to trust that I have said everything I meant to say.

Some mornings, I scroll through the posts my friends have left on social networking sites and cringe. They spill out their most private and personal pain for everyone to see. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness for them and sometimes I am weary from reading posts like this from the same people every day. I know many people just seek friends to lend the courage to keep going when life kicks them in the teeth. Friends can then offer anything from physical assistance to words of comfort or reassurance. Not everyone is brave or open enough to reveal their private lives to so many eyes, but that doesn't negate their pain or their trials.

Sadly, some of my friends break down at every small trial that they face. They require so much attention that they tell everyone about hangnails, breakups, and other personal disasters with so much regularity that I've become immune to their woes. Maybe I don't understand because I  ride the opposite end of the spectrum. I tend not to share much of what happens in my world. From new cars to rejection letters, I question how interested people are in my daily activities. And for those pains that may hit more deeply, deep enough to break my heart, I hold those even closer. I don't need a dozen people trying to make my pain about them in some way or telling me to just get over it because it happens to everyone. I'd rather share my joys than my sadness, but that doesn't mean I don't understand private pain.

People receive rejection letters, get waylaid by heartbreak, catch the flu, lose loved ones, and suffer more critical medical emergencies every day. I don't want a play by play of someone else's stomach flu, complete with details of what came out when they coughed. I do appreciate updates if their condition improves or worsens, but sometimes I feel like the extremely detailed accounts are meant to inspire me to throw money or service at their problems. If you need help, please ask. We should be brave enough to ask people outright if we want someone to  check on us, remind us that we are loved, bring us a meal, or help in some other way. Too often, people inundate us with details that leave their friends confused and then get mad when no one rushes to offer help.

I actually like to be left alone when I am sick. Whether I am trying to wrap my heart and head around a loss or revealing my stomach contents to the porcelain throne, I firmly believe the world doesn't need to be subjected to the unpleasantness that comes with my illnesses. I appreciate friends that love me and worry about me, but making the trek from the bed to the door doesn't make me feel better. I have also found that even when I give more information than a simple "I'm sick," people fail to pay attention to my outright statements of need. When I had a stomach flu that made eating solid foods, let alone keeping them down, impossible, three people brought me enough meals to feed a healthy person for a week. That food sat in my fridge for a week without me being able to force down a single bite. I appreciated the thought but felt bad about the wasted food.

In order to avoid awkward conversations when my mother passed, I made a blanket announcement on facebook. Despite informing people that I wouldn't be responding to phone calls, emails, and posts on social media, well-wishers inundated me with well-meaning lectures on my wall, phone calls that led to people being offended when I politely answered in case it was an emergency and then didn't bawl for them, and unnecessarily long comments on how they felt about my pain. I really didn't care for any of that. I may have been more receptive a week later, but at the time, I decided to ignore the uninvited guests to my private pity party. And, of course, some people haven't talked to me since I didn't validate their existence by thanking them for canned platitudes. (Am I terrible for not missing them?)

Lately, my mind turned toward the private pain of others. I keep my thoughts to myself because I know I can't say anything to make it better. I've also resisted the urge to just grab them and hug them until the pain goes away because that would be a super long, not to mention awkward.

So maybe some of the things I wish I could say to those friends will help someone else who stumbles upon this page:

1) You are not alone. Someone is here for you. If you are my friend, I am here for you. I may not always understand, and I will probably try to fix it with baked goods and bad jokes, but I am here for you and I love you. And even if I don't know you, you have your own Bella who loves you very much (and a Heavenly Father who loves you more than our human hearts can understand).

2) I know that people offer you lots of advice or tell you their story. They know you don't want advice. They know your story probably won't turn out exactly like theirs did. What you should hear when their story starts out something like, "In my experience..." or "When I was in a similar situation..." is "I love you. I don't completely understand everything you are going through, but I still wish I could help, even if it is just by wiping away those tears, so I am telling you how things turned out better than I thought  they would for me to offer you hope. Not to tell you that you are living your life wrong or making the wrong choices, but to let you know I love you and am here for you."

3) Please try to stop us before we make you angry or make you cry. I would sincerely hope that is never someone's intent when they bring up whatever subject brings such pain to your heart. Sometimes people just keep talking to fill that empty awkward silence or ask questions because they want to understand.

4) Let people help you. I touched on this before. If people aren't quick to offer help, don't assume they don't care. All people aren't graced with the ability to just know what is needed. Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask if you truly need help. Your friends will be happy to help as best they can. (I should point out that wanting someone to be at your beck and call every day of the week may be taking things too far. Sadly, this has happened to me in the past, and most people will stop answering when you cry wolf too often. To be clear, I know people who have recurring health problems and could use daily help. I refer to those who just want daily reassurance that they are the most important person in their friend's life.)

5) I must offer my unsolicited feelings somewhere, so consider yourself warned about this one. When life doesn't go the way we planned, it leads us to where we need to be. Look back a little, those of you have some years behind you. Think about all the things you ever wanted. Now focus on the ones you didn't get. How many of them were such a big loss that you didn't live without them? (I lived without having to clean up after that pony, without dating or marrying those boys I once found so charming who still haven't grown into men, without getting that super sexy car that I would have just parked in a garage and buffed with a diaper for fear of it getting scratched or dented, and without joining the circus--though this last one is still a possibility).

As for the rest of us:

1) Be more aware of how your friends are responding to your advice and sympathies. If they are getting noticeably annoyed, stop talking or change the subject. Offer to take them out for ice cream. Let them lead the conversation. If they want to talk about it they will. Sometimes we just want the companionship of someone who loves us.

2) When you hear that someone you don't really know has lost a loved one, got rejected by the college of their choice, or still hasn't attained their next life goal (graduation, marriage, baby, a promotion, retirement), don't assume they need you to guide them through it. Please leave that up to people that are closer to them unless they come to you for help. Unsolicited advice from casual acquaintances rarely helps a situation or makes the intended recipient feel better.

3) Make sure friends who struggle know you are there for them. Use your best judgment as to how to tell them and how often to remind them. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there to talk, want to help distract with activities you both enjoy, or just bake cookies and let you eat them in peace, can offer the greatest comfort.

4) Sometimes, a small act of service can say more than our words. One of my friends spends more than her fair share of time in the hospital. I find myself wishing I lived closer than two thousand miles away, so I convince her husband to let me clean and a tidy their house a little in her absence.

5) Remember that not everyone is just like you. Tailor your behavior to the person you want to comfort. (I find that prayer helps with that, but my thoughts on that might push this post into the preachy category.)

[RANTINGS] Why You Should Edit

I've been reading a book that contains terrible things: typos. Every time I come across one, it pulls me out of the story and makes my face squish up in a most unpleasant way. In light of this, I thought I'd post a few suggestions for prospective published authors before they choose to self-publish their latest masterpiece. (If you wish to refer me back to it when I finally finish a manuscript of my own, I will probably need the reminder.)

As a writer, you commit to reading and rereading your manuscript over and over so many times that you may think that it is ready for publication regardless of all the rejection letters piling up on your desk. You may be right. You may have just offered up your hard work at the wrong time or to the wrong publisher. You may be wrong. Glaring errors may be keeping others from taking the risk. Either way put in a few more bits of work before you upload that file to your online publisher.

1) Run that spell checker one more time. Carefully look at each word that it highlights, even if you are certain you typed the unique name of your character correctly every time. (Of course, if you add that name to your dictionary, only the misspelled ones will show up.) A couple of the typos that jumped out at me would have been caught by even the most rudimentary spellcheck program, so don't disregard the beautiful tool that comes free with every text editor I have ever used.

2)  Pick a trusted friend to be your first reader. Fresh eyes pick up on little things that your mind overlooks like small grammatical errors or areas where one scene does not follow the next as well as you thought. Another benefit? A trusted friend will be gentle, but, hopefully, truthful.

3)  Find a good writer's group or critique partner. Another writer can give you input your friend might be afraid to offer. Also, a good critique partner won't be afraid to tell you the harsh truth. They may needle you forever about that worthless, boring chapter you never should have slipped into your early draft, but that will remind you be more selective with what techniques you use to move your novel forward from now on. (2 and 3 can be interchangeable but letting someone else peruse your manuscript can be very helpful.)

4) Look to a professional for help. Shelling out a few dollars for a professional editor could mean the difference between a book only read by your closest friends and a book that gets recommended to people who have never heard your name before. Professional editors tend to have a knack for suggesting better words, finding those sections that need tightened up, and offering other advice you don't know you need until you get it (like "start over" or "the last 6 chapters aren't as good as the first 20, maybe you should rewrite them, or you lost me in the middle, fix it.)